LEONARDO: Fortuitous Rendezvous I

Forgive me reader for I have sinned, I have hidden an important element from you for quite some time now and if I don’t confess, it will kill me. Why did I hide it? Because I thought it was special, but then again some special seeming things turn out to be fiendishly attractive, special complications.

Sooo Leonardo and I met… not once, not twice but thrice since the last time I talked about him. Before you rush me to the gallows, let me explain: we didn’t plan it, the universe did HA! You know me, I go with the flow, I don’t plan a thing, I hardly think with my head; my notorious heart decides and does on my behalf, I could be in bed one minute and my heart would be in Lokichogio falling in-love fast with a stranger.

No, Leonardo is not in Loki and the reason I haven’t updated my blog is not because I have been busy moving to Loki. But so what if I moved? Ok, ok I hear you, enough beating around the bush:

I bumped into the guy at Sherlock’s Den -Nanyuki Mall.

2. He has a girlfriend

3. We had a series of unusually stimulating gazes and there was a lot of unnecessary touching with our hands (ON the table where everyone could see them.)

4. There were a lot of laughs as the drinks kept coming.

5. We were TIPSY (Totally Inebriated Plus Seriously in Yen) albeit sufficiently sober to keep our lips off each other. Whether we were trying to fool the curious onlookers or we were genuinely fighting temptation is however unclear.

6. We were waiting for our guys to arrive; his girlfriend (funny he didn’t feel the need to brag about her) and my golfer/ photographer well-behaved friend and mentor who has wanted to chips-funga me since Red cross-Meru back in 2009.

7. We discussed motorbikes (as expected) and I was mortified for the lies I had told at our first meeting… Yep I confessed, why? Because I’m not a –good- liar and I thought this would be special, who isn’t attracted to an honest gorgeous lass. Did I mention we have trust issues? I am mentioning now, serious ones.

8. He gave me his number this time (and I had nothing to do with it-a block of TRUST built right there.)

9. He never called… or maybe he did, but it never went through because I don’t live in Loki and Loki has fickle signal. (This is what I like to think. Why? Because I sorta want to believe there is something here.)

10. I never called… but once, with a hidden ID (Lame!! I know) I wanted to wish him a Happy New Year, he didn’t pick, phewks!

Things stayed that way and I gave up on us, completely forgot the jamaa and even dated other people. Months later…

To be continued in Part II of this series.

My clandestine Valentine

All I am saying at this stage is… there was a side-splitting play, lots of wine, a splendid sunset, floating away on a pond, great lighting, lots of small talk, a bit of walking, great art gallery with beautiful pieces to boot and right where I couldn't pronounce ‘silhouette’ was a straight out of the movie shut-up-and-kiss-me moment… whether it happened or not, is however irrelevant.

Now let’s jump to the after effects; I woke up the following morning to soundless music, the coffee mugs dancing on the shelves, pancakes swaying their hips on the pan and “um… um is my coffee SPEAKING to me?” Funny thing is, there was nothing telling in the silky morning air, but love was definitely laced on the sun rays piercing through the leaves of the enormous fig tree outside my kitchen window. As the warmth hit and spread throughout my face, I couldn’t ignore the images in the azure sky partially in hiding, images of a seraph thrilled by the sound of the Nyatiti playing “My moving home” in a dialect I couldn’t comprehend. The hilarity brought about by the costume-clad chaps under the bright lights of the stage tickled the Seraph much to my amusement and I never had such a lovely time watching a stranger laugh so hard, never.

This being is, easily the most fine-looking thing I have cast my eyes on in a long time, their laugh so gentle, stature so elegant, impeccable eloquence, exudes positive energy from every pore on their skin… incredibly erudite and did I mention that they look not a day older than 27 years but is as wise as a sage and as composed as a harp haha! (he is so beyond fine that I not only need the Englishmen to sit and create me an adjective for this person but also for Shakespeare to resurrect chap-chap for we have work to do!).

Unable to withstand the intensity and the blinding glow of the moment I turn away and smile with my heart albeit not furtive enough to cheat the woman in the kitchen busy brewing the coffee. Both the woman and the kettle are wearing a knowing smile, I can see their faces, the mischief, their asking lips twisted into a question that I am not ready to answer, no I will not dare say a word. For I have not the response. At this point, I take a swig of the dark fluid sitting motionless in my cup and resist the swallow if only to keep the secrets of the magic of the previous night from spilling.

Walking out hurriedly, index finger wagging behind me the woman in the kitchen is caught in a stutter “…I was just going to ask if you want some cream with that,” she lies out loud supporting her weight with the door frame. I can tell she is genuinely happy for me; she can’t thank heavens enough that I 'finally' healed the wounds of a disappointing and daunting past. She is holding back the excitement lest I slip back into the morbid habits of video games, slothfulness and suicidal imbibing. She blows me a warm kiss, full of a mother's affection , still I'm not telling.

The couch holds out its warm loving arms to receive my bony frame, he has been with me through the dark days of nursing a broken strange-muscle and I can tell he is over the moon that I didn’t walk in with a slab of cheese, a box of Kleenex and a bag of cheerios. The way he sinks back as my buttocks find a comfortable spot sounds more like a sigh of relief than anything else, I pat him gently and whisper, “It’s over buddy. The days of grief I mean.” I could swear I heard a muffled chuckle.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have got to stop right this minute before I jinx this any further and also because I need to pencil in lunch for coming weekend.

That would be all :-).

X-mass Attack!!

The typical me starts feeling X-massy in September, by October I have saved and shopped for gifts, by November whatever bookings that needed to be made have been made, recipes have been downloaded/ stolen, invites to partners in crime have been sent and mum has been briefed of my itinerary. Leaving nothing to chance, everything is set and ready to roll by 20th. That is how much I love X-mass.

That is why yesterday I was panicked and caught in a frenzy decided to call Santa... because I had a feeling, Daddey had dumped me. Okay, it was 21st of December and NOTHING was ready, I wasn't even ready; I definitely needed extension of time to patch things up and get my X-mass mojo back. See, I haven't been exceptionally good and I expected nothing less from Santa... clearly I had underestimated.

Me: ...ex-communication, really?? Santa, you have gone too far. Don't you think you are overreacting?

Santa: No No No!

Me: Even a little?

Santa: No No NO

Me: C'mon dude... could I have been worse than Lynne who kicked Jimmi out of her bed coz he was undergoing some post-traumatic stress you-know-where after they terminated his contract at work? or YY who has been having sex like a man? or Jumwa who is explicitly living and sexing 3 younger dudes in the name of sub-letting her bedrooms. C'mon sexy Santa, re-consider.

Santa: No No No

Me: You know what, you are a selfish imbecile and an overgrown baby in red diapers. If you are going to punish me for spinning out of control every weekend, with Mr.Alcohol and my life companion, then go ahead. But remember I am the one who never gave in to Mr. I-will-dump-my-girlfriend-as-soon-as-I-sleep-with-you, and I am still the one who (eventually) regained self restraint after flashing boobies on Skype a couple of times...

Santa: A couple????!!! Those were over **** times!! As far as I'm concerned it was a fully fledged scandalous affair with no limits whatsoever...

Me: Ok paps, lets not go into details... oh and never mind I was the one who got dropped from cloud-9 just when I was about to man-up and finally tell Funny boy how I actually felt.

Santa: Oh shut up!! You coward you... you were never going to and you know it.

Me: As I was saying, I am also a great albeit silent supporter of NO TO HOMO.... PHOBIA campaigns because I believe in ALL Human rights, and may I take this opportunity to say 'Good Job' to Muthoni Wanyeki the Executive Director KHCR and Esther Murugi, Special Programmes Minister for boldly stepping out to protect the rights of the minority. Forget my ulterior motive, at least Benjy and his boyfriend will (hopefully soon) comfortably kiss in the swimming pool and I can finally OPENLY brag about our shopping sprees...

Santa: Yeah yeah but whats in for me?

Me: um um... I will share their steamy fantasies with you Daddey :-)

Santa: Ho ho ho Brilliant! Not enough though, you need to commit at least 3 random acts of kindness before sun down if you want to have a proper X-mass.

Me: C'mon daddey...

Santa: No other way.

Me: DEAL!!

That is how I woke up with an X-mass attack, in high spirits, took a looooong shower (read extra 10 litres down the drain), helped eat (Not cook) pancakes and found myself being very kind to 3 beautiful girls who needed my help + I ordered lunch for me and the rabid HOT plumber. Talk of hitting three birds and a bonus with one stone! Seeing as the bible is very clear on; "let not the right hand know what the left does.." I am forbidden to narrate my acts of kindness, in other news though- Lunch was pepper Haat *wink*.

This festive season commit all sins, and most importantly commit a few random acts of kindness.

Merry X-mass to you and yours!!

PS: Remember, don't drink and drive accidents kill and don't drink and park accidents cause babies... just hail a cab :)

Let's get retarded.

Only a retard would think like this!


See they always tell you to be and think positive, about everything whether good or bad. So for a long time it was hard for me to do the positive thing and I would wallow in self pity for days on end with absolutely no effort to pick myself up. Over the years though, I met people who have marveled me with their almost miraculous ability to bring themselves up even after life-changing things happen to them. While I was busy being there for them mopping and being sad, they were lifting their spirits and turning their misery around. In no time I was the one caught up in their past while they had long moved on (how ironical). In the recent past quite a number of things have gone awry (so much for being a staunch control freak) and in the process shook a lot of things I have based my faith and basically my whole life on. Normally when such things happen you kinda get depressed and become a loser or you take what life throws at you and make lemonade as they put it.

This time round, instead of slipping into depression I decided to try this positive approach/law of attraction thingy just to see if it works and prove them wrong, so I told myself. Truth is I was desperate for anything that would make it better and from my interaction with people I knew better than to allow myself to sink into the deep seas of misery. Let’s take a look at how it worked for me:

Were it not for the strike that my university had, I would not have been home for four months looking for attachment/internship, I would never have gone to the many firms I went to job hunting only for them to decline my request prompting me to seek work at this other org which I was sure would never have taken me in since it was a satellite office working on a new project that I knew absolutely nothing about. *breathe* As you may have gathered, after a few cancelled meetings I was able to get in-touch with some fellow from the office who felt his docket could use an assistant and that is how I landed my internship.

It later turned out that the guy who helped me get my internship did not do it in accordance to the laid down procedure and was thus at loggerheads with the overall boss leading to my state of uncertainty which also made me push my alleged supervisor to formalize my internship or else I would just quit (not like that would in anyway affect him but it felt good to let him know that I will not be used; not to say he wasn’t using me already). Him taking his sweet time to sort out the issue led me into doing some other application which led me to some office which I was later so grateful I went to, not that I got the job but I sort of scored in another area of my life that needed a little fixing so to speak, I have been single for the past two years! If that doesn’t qualify for/as chronic singlehood I don’t know what does!

I guess what I’m trying to say is; I ‘think’ I met a guy who is making me very happy! No details, besides the fact that we are taking it slow and that it feels really good to have someone I can talk to and who most importantly thinks I am funny. I might have not mentioned this before but I am very insecure about what people think about me, big problem if they think I am not funny! What good am I if I can’t make you laugh? My stint as the entertainment captain/comedian in high school is definitely to blame. Anyone who doesn’t laugh at my jokes is perceived as an unpleasant authority, courtesy of my dad who thinks my kind of funny is rather unfunny, oh well, he doesn’t know what he is missing. Whatever happened in his childhood to make him that way is beyond me.

Ps: I dug out this blog from my archived- offline blogs. It was dated, July 2009. 8 months down the line and he still laughs at my jokes, FYI.