Thursday, January 14, 2010

TELLING IT AS IT IS- The Electra Complex.

I am going to begin by declaring that I am an optimist in every sense of the word and that I know of individuals in relationships that are not headed anywhere; they have so much faith in themselves, their partners and their unions that they believe everything is possible (first, lets agree that according to nature, not everything is possible irrespective of the numerous possibilities in existence) and that one day things would change for the better. What these people will learn later (others when it’s too late) is that things may never change in the union but that doesn’t necessarily mean that things in their love life will never take a positive turn. Often people miss this point by tying themselves down to one person and one situation without exploring other options. That is where we fail.

Please do not get me wrong, I am not saying take to the hills at the slightest sign of trouble, no. Stick it out if you have to but be wise and flexible enough to pin point a good deal or when you are being taken for a ride. Trust me, it’s for your own good that you keep evaluating your union and be open enough to self criticize while at it- it’s quite healthy to kill the ‘you’ that stops you from growing.
If you are one of those people who posses faith that moves mountains I do not blame you… hope is very important in life and love –so it’s allowed. Now, as much as it’s ok to believe that things will be ok we also have to be critical and level headed when we approach certain things especially those whose consequences we have to live with for a long time.

My friend Lucas was beginning to wear me out with his never-ending tales of brawls with his girlfriend of two years, so I decided to take up the matter seriously and for the first time stop pretending to care and actually try to help. I am not by any qualifications or otherwise a relationships or marriage counselor but as a friend it is expected of me (more like an obligation) to be there as the shoulder he can freely cry on and as his eyes... maybe because love is blind, I don’t know. Of course this was against my policy of ‘non-interference’ when it comes to lovebirds, but I did it anyway… if only to save my besotted friend from the misery that is his love life. Talk of trying to save a sinking ship! I see you raising your eyebrow and wondering out loud what kind of a pal I am, well, I am the good kind, you’ll see why.

This twosome doesn’t seem to get along at all and in my quiet moments I cannot help but wonder how they found each other let alone what the attraction was, its however irrelevant to the direction we are steering to so lets drop it for now. I never really liked the girl but not like it matters because I am being totally unbiased here (really). Believe me when I say this chic is strangely out of kilter and from her account of her six previous relationships its hard to tell why she never once found a relationship she could settle for. Its just amazing how they keep fighting… day in day out and most astonishing is the things they come to blows over… small things! I mean, why should we slap each other with the ‘cold treatment’ for days on end just because I won’t place the socks in the laundry basket or because I didn’t arrive home at exactly half past five as agreed. As if my boss or the traffic jam cares why I have to be home on time. So the story that broke the Carmel’s back (I being Carmel) is when Lucas came to me in tears recounting how Sarah won’t stop making crazy demands on him and he didn’t know how to make it stop, “She puts curfews on me, forbids me to be with my friends and family!” we have to agree that people who won’t let you socialize have some very serious issues (high levels of insecurity, low self-esteem, poor communication skills…list is endless.) “Even worse, nothing I do is ever good enough,” he sobbed.

As at now my friend is a very frustrated man more so because he doesn’t seem to understand the ‘love-of-his-life’… boy clearly didn’t do his homework before investing in the union.
In my search for un-warlike means to bring and keep this loving duo together once and for all I came across a very strange but common phenomena advanced by one Carl Jung, who from Freud’s theory of the Oedipus complex advanced a concept known as the Bernfield factor or the Electra complex. As documented and agreed upon by experts in Psychology; a strong and consistent male presence in a girl’s life has a significant effect on her self esteem. Feeling attractive and loved by “daddy” (or other strong male figure) can help a girl have more confidence and strength. Of course the vice-versa applies. Without that, girls may express daddy issues in seeking out father figures, or placing even very good men with whom they are in relationship, in positions that they really can’t adequately fill. Bingo!

From this profound piece of information I found the disease that was slowly eating up my friend without his knowledge or the girlfriend’s for that matter. So this chic was unknowingly dissatisfied and was seeking to fill whatever gap his father left. On impulse I was about to call my friend and say quit the relationship and find yourself a less burdened individual but then I sympathized with the chic as she too was in the dark. So, I have made a arrangements for them to see a counselor in the hope that they find themselves and hopefully resolve their issues. There are two outcomes here and I do not want to speculate the more likely one.

Are you are the girlfriend everyone seems to be avoiding? You constantly find yourself trapped in unhealthy relationships with men and cannot figure out why? Well, its time to board memory-train back into the past, critically examine your relationship with your father or the dominant male figure in your life and find out if you suffer from the Electra complex.

This month, I trust you will be able to say goodbye to relationships that are long dead or just damaged beyond repair, challenge is, can you identify one?