Tuesday, December 18, 2012

At sea

Forgiveness holds but so much promise …but does it restore? Does forgiveness reinstate? I doubt that that is in forgiveness’ job description, people love to overstretch its capabilities, maybe in blind hope, desperation perhaps, they just want things to be all better, as in the case of a wizard and the wand. Magic. Miracle. I seek truth, for I have forgiven… or so I think, but I am far from restoration.

So what if time doesn't heal? What if the healing isn't worth the time? Everything happens so fast, one minute she is the young blemish less dame, having a rollicking good time, then the very next minute you are the damned son-of-a-bitch that must take responsibility. No shit. Sometimes for jerk. Bloody! What if you jumped back in after intense moments of insurmountable doubt, engulfed by strong waves of irrefutable fear, fear that you will be letting go of your own salvation. Fear of losing; the one thing that mattered the most. Fear of a life in the absence of this thing you once thought was gifted to you by the universe. Fear of being the coward, the one that gave up. You wake up the following day to find that you have made your bed and now you must lie in it. Was it too late, to make amends? A case of, too broken to fix? Irreparable, perhaps? You ask yourself among a myriad of other questions. You cannot trust your judgment, it failed you once before, you have to trust time, not for healing, but to take you there, to that place where you can make that vital decision.

In my struggle, I have found that you must un-anchor the vessel and head out to sea, to see if the sail will hold… only then can you ascertain the stuff you are made of and how to work out your own salvation; restoration. At sea.

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